dreams diary.

last night at bink's, my part time job at an outdoor gear retail store, we had a guy call in frantically asking if we sell warm jackets and how late we are open. he was leaving tomorrow for an alaskan cruise and had just realized he had nothing warm to wear. he and his girlfriend showed up a bit later and dropped over $500 on outdoorsy goodies - must be nice!

and so, I think that's what inspired my dream last night.

about 95% of the time when I remember dreams, they are about hotels. traveling. retreat centers. camps. motels. staying with a group of people in a random place.

so last night I was in alaska on a trip with the usual suspects. a random groups of friends from life, work, church. old friends, new friends, and family.

there are a few people who stick out to me - because my mind and my heart are particularly interested in how that relationship will play out.

when I woke up I remembered a lot of details about it, but as far as I can remember now... I was in alaska last night, and it was cold.

dreams diary.

I just had another dream about you. I've been dreaming about you a lot since we got back...

the other night; that dream was so odd. we were in africa, and we drove up to an old gym. and it was sort of enclosed, but sort of open-air. and we rolled out old tumbling mats, like in elementary school gym. and we placed large buffers to the sides of them. and we were expected to do a show, I think. and then a huge dust storm came through, and dust was flying all around us. and you were wearing a bandana across your forehead, and rachael asked you for it to cover her mouth. and you made her trade her passport for it. and then I think we were going to perform a bluegrass show on the mats. and that's all I can remember.

and today, I dreamed about you during my lazy saturday afternoon nap. with storm clouds hovering outside, I threw on a hoodie and snuggled into bed.

today, you were an artist. and you had a small gallery displaying your art that was located on the grounds of a pioneer campground where tourists came to see how life used to be lived. your gallery was a wooden hut, like a cabin, and there was a man and woman working it. I came to see your art, and they showed me everything and explained it all to me. I asked a few questions and they said that the artist was in town and they would call him to see if he could come meet me the next day to explain it in person. and I was nervous to see you. your art was a mix of things from my memory. it was birds and other animals, and done sort of in a style like the african disease awareness paintings I saw for sale on the streets in zanzibar. I just remember thinking I was proud of you for becoming an artist, and I was not surprised but felt that it seemed right. and at the end of the dream I walked outside to the back of the hut. while out there, I remember a man on the front porch of a nearby cabin, dressed in pioneer clothing, doing some sort of call for the guests - like, to dinner, or the start of a tour, or something like that. the woman working there brought out a remote control spinning and flying toy. and she told me to hold it, and she would tell me when to release it and it would fly. and I did and I remember it spinning in around and flashing lights really close to my face, and it frightened me. spinning and spinning and spinning. and then it ended.

not a trace.

not trace of water when I thirst for you
only darkness when I burn for the sun
all I hear is silence when I ask for song
always fade away when I try to be the only one

I surrender
and I lay down my needs
I surrender
these desires I speak
I surrender
and I open my heart to what will be

not a trace of fair when my bones broke
flows like a river when my hands let go
not an ounce of comfort when I'm holding tight
wrapped in a warm wind when I finally realize
its only there if...

I surrender
and I lay down my needs
I surrender
these desires I speak
I surrender
and I open my heart to what will be
to what you see

{lisbeth scott}

"The best thing for being sad," replied Merlin, beginning to puff and blow, "is to learn something. That is the only thing that never fails. You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake in the middle of the night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only love, you may see the world around you devastated by evil lunatics, or know your honor trampled in the sewers of baser minds. There is only one thing for it then — to learn. Learn why the world wags and what wags it. That is the only thing the mind can never exhaust, never alienate, never be tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never dream of regretting."-from The Once and Future King by T.H. White

elizabethtown.

I'm having a renewed love affair with all things elizabethtown these days. watched the movie again. listening to the soundtrack all day (ryan adams love fest). it's a top 5 movie for sure. agree?

Drew Baylor: You know, there is nothing greater than deciding in your life that things maybe really are black and white! And this guy Ben, who clearly takes you for granted, who serially takes advantage of you, is bad! And what I'm saying is good! See what I mean? You shouldn't be the substitute for anybody. This guy should be right here, right now, doing this. [kisses Claire]

lately.

I've not been blogging a lot lately. there are many things on my mind, but things that I wanted to step back from the keyboard and work out in my head and heart, and not in written words.

in the quiet and rest, God is speaking.

I've found in my life, and many know this to be true, that when we are hurting and broken is when we cling to God more. I feel like sometimes God keeps me in permanent state of brokenness just so I'll choose to hang around Him more. I hate that, but also understand it at the same time. He wants me to choose Him first, always. and I rarely do.

it's hard for me though... usually just when I am feeling up, happy, fulfilled, on the right path - He sends things crashing down around me to remind me that I have no control over a single moment, a single breath.

but He is good. He remains faithful to restore my spirit and strength.

over the past few weeks I have been dealing with shattered hopes. (well honestly, over the past few years, I have been dealing with that, off and on.)

you know the feeling, like chicken little, when the sky is falling all around you. everything you once thought was up, is coming down.

so, me and God have been having lots and lots of long conversations. late at night, early in the morning, throughout the day, climbing hills, running trails, cleaning my home, driving through the mountains. days full of conversations.

and He has been speaking. and I want to share with you what He said.

don't get me wrong. He doesn't "talk" to me that often. it usually takes me a long time to discern His ways and His plans. usually multiple people have to tell me, and show me. usually I don't believe them still. and then God usually has to take some drastic action to show me what's up.

usually.

this time though, I can feel His voice, peaceful in my heart.

He's saying that He has this under control.
there is nothing that happened, is happening, or will happen that He did not plan for.
He is in the midst of it all.
He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together.
and the timeline of it all (one of my biggest grievances)... more than anything, He has planned the timeline.
He has ordered the steps.

he is comforting my heart. telling me not to worry. not to be anxious. He has this.

and when I forget (read: everyday), He reminds me again.

tanzania.

one month from today I am leaving for tanzania!

I'm so excited to travel, since it's been about 8 months since I've been out of the country. I'm getting antsy for an adventure.

so privileged to be going with world vision. I was invited as part of my work as a ministry partner with them. we're going to see child sponsorship projects, and lots of other programs that world vision oversees in tanzania.

I can't wait to get my arms around some little darlings.

running.

i run
from pain
i run from prejudice
i run from pessimists
but i run to late
i run my life
or is it running me
run from my past
i run too fast
or too slow it seems

when lies become the truth
that's when i run to you

this world keeps spinning faster
to a new disaster
so i run to you
i run to you
when it all starts coming undone
you're the only one i run to

{lady antebellum}

pin this.

in other news... I am recently addicted to pinterest.

it's like twitter, but just for images.

I can visit the world, decorate homes, be inspired by great words, and dress myself 1,000 times a day.

check me here.