for all the single boys.

a post about single christian men of a certain age {ahem, late 20’s and 30’s}... just so you know, I’m pulling for you, boys. while this is dead-on true, you’re capable of so much more than this generalization.

{this is a reorganized compilation from this blog and the video posted below from mars hill church.}

“Men are supposed to be producers not consumers. You’re defined by the legacy, and the life and the fruit that comes out of you, not what you take in...

You say "I’m single. I don’t have kids yet." As if responsibility is a bad thing and the longer you can prolog it the more masculine you are. That’s the world. And it’s childish. It’s absolutely childish. And its consumerism. Here’s where you’ve been tricked. They created an age called adolescence and the real glorious demo is young men... The sweet spot’s like 18-34 for the demographics. Because what they do, is that they know that you guys don’t know what it means to be a man, and so they tell you that being is man is defined not by what you produce, but by what you consume... So you buy the junk they sell you...

You’re the glory of God. What does it mean to be a man? John is a great example. He doesn’t waste his teens and his 20s downloading free porn, racking up his credit card debt, spending seven years to knock out his undergrad degree, trying to be the king of the fantasy football or baseball league, determined to pound more beers at happy hour and conquer more women than all the other guys to show he’s a real man.

That’s no man at all. It’s a boy who could shave.

John shows us what a real man is: He’s filled with the Spirit. He humbly prepares the way for Jesus. He’s an evangelist who makes it his life work to introduce others to Jesus. He’s a man who ultimately is a giver and not a taker. He’s a producer, not a consumer.

Men, you are to be creators and cultivators.

If you want to image God, your God is a creator and a cultivator.

You create a marriage and you cultivate that woman. 
You create a child with her and you cultivate that child. 
You create a new family legacy for generations and you cultivate it. 
You create a business and you cultivate it. 
You create a ministry and you cultivate it.

You want to be a man?

You’re a creator and a cultivator. 
You’re a producer, not a consumer. 
You’re a giver, not a taker. 
You bring life, not death.

You're not looking for the path of least resistance, you're looking for the path of greatest glory to God."

top 10 tuesday > 10 cheap ways to add good design to your life.

I love design and decor, and in another life I just might have been an interior designer.

I am also perpetually broke. after paying bills on my own, keeping an active social life, paying off student loans, and traveling the world - my budget leaves little room for adding to the beauty of my home and surroundings, and tickling my taste for good design.

so, I wanted to share 10 easy tips for adding good design to your life without breaking the bank. 

1. change your desktop background, facebook profile pic, or top 5 facebook photos on a regular basis to whatever style suits your fancy at the moment. {these are my desktop backgrounds and updated facebook today.}

2. read dwell and architectural digest {the best ones, duh} at the bookstore or peruse them online rather than buy them. become a fan of them on facebook.

3. download instagram for iphone and start snapping artsy pictures. instagram makes even the ordinary look epic cool. {this pic is from my fav local antique store.}

4. buy and interchange throw pillows. for just $10-$20 you can change the look and feel of a room with those little guys.

5. shop amazon. I was looking for striped sheets recently and wanted to buy some from one of my two fav designers - dwellstudio or west elm. instead I found a duvet set on amazon for about a third of the cost. {I ended up buying at ikea for the same cost as on amazon.} the bonus of amazon is selection and searchability.

6. buy a cupcake. all the rage these days, boutique cupcake bakeries make pretty little things that can appease your need for the moment.

7. create a "dream room" blog post or vision board by searching images online. you can change up that decor as much as you want, and it doesn't max out your credit card.

8. buy some earrings at forever 21. generally trendy, dirt cheap, and prolific in style choices. I love this store for helping bring pretty to the masses for a reasonable price tag.

9. move things around your house or office to create a new look. sometimes just by interchanging furniture arrangement, bedding, accessories, and displays you can make your place look fresh and realize you already have great stuff. {this is my mantle decor take 2 or 3 within 10 months.}

10. get outside in nature. the beauty and divine design of nature always helps ground me, knocks the edge off my bent towards materialism, and inspires design concepts and color schemes. {this is the spring sky over franklin, tn a few days ago.}

about 30 - my biggest fear.

I have a fear that pops up every now and then.

I turn 30 in just a few days less than 2 months. may 22. {ahem}

I'm not really scared to turn 30. I've been telling people this whole year that I am already 30, so that I can get used to the way it sounds coming out of my mouth.

I'm in a happy, stable place. I have a new city. a home I love. friends and community that are like family that make me smile and listen to me go on and on about ridiculous things and check on me.

I have enough money to pay my bills, go out, buy drinks, see movies, and do things I like to do... like randomly buy vintage electric fans at flea markets.

my family is healthy and loves me.

there are a few things I thought I might have by this age. like, things everyone else my age has. like spouses, their own family, houses etc.

but I've also done things none of them have done...

I've visited the chernobyl zone in ukraine and sang songs in a village school. 
I've been to every country in central america.
I've had breakfast in france, lunch in monaco, and dinner in italy in one day.
I've watched people doing the tango on the street in buenos aires.
I've eaten guinea pig in an andes mountain village with traditional quechua people in ecuador.
I've hiked mayan ruins and gone snorkeling at the blue hole in belize.
I've stood on the edge and looked down into an active volcano in nicaragua.
I've played soccer with island kids off the coast of honduras.
I've walked ancient dirt paths of rural cambodia that were once littered with land mines.
I've burned a candle inside a 10th century monastery in the distant hills of macedonia.

but still... the stigma of turning 30 is certainly hovering around me a bit. I've been a little more emotional than normal lately. I've been spending more time than usual by myself. I've been working out more because it's the only thing that seems to relieve this underlying stress.

I think my biggest fear about turning 30 is regressing.

what I mean by that is the potentional to regress.

as in, not move forward, but instead move backward.

my 20's were an amazing juxtaposition of joy and pain. I guess all of life is, and it's amazing that any of us make it through. but mostly I feel that I did ok. no, more than ok. I had a great time.

now I'm in a place where I am numbly stable, happy, ok, getting by just fine.

and frankly that's just not good enough for me.

since we all only get just one shot at life on earth, I'd like mine to be better than just ok.

my fear is that from now on, life after 30 won't be as good as life before.

I know that probably sounds crazy to most people who have survived life after 30, but it's just true for me, for now.

I'm going to work hard to make sure my life stays moving forward, and exciting, and fulfilling, and that life is lived.

I met someone by accident, that blew me away.

warning: post upcoming about my feelings.

this song just so perfectly captures the state of my heart right now.

So this is how the story went
I met someone by accident
That blew me away
That blew me away

It was in the darkest of my days
When you took my sorrow and you took my pain
And buried them away, you buried them away

And I wish I could lay down beside you
When the day is done
And wake up to your face under the morning sun
But like everything I've ever known
I'm sure you'll go one day
So I'll spend my whole life hiding my heart away
And I can't spend my whole life hiding my heart away

I dropped you off at the train station
And put a kiss on top of your head
I watched you wave
I watched you wave
Then I went on home to my skyscrapers
Neon lights and waiting papers
That I call home
I call it home

And I wish I could lay down beside you
When the day is done
And wake up to your face against the morning sun
But like everything I've ever known
I'm sure you'll go one day
So I'll spend my whole life hiding my heart away
And I can't spend my whole life hiding my heart away

I woke up feeling heavy hearted
I'm going back to where I started
The morning rain
The morning rain
And you know I wish that you were here
But that same old road that brought me here
Is calling me home
Is calling me home

And I wish I could lay down beside you
When the day is done
And wake up to your face against the morning sun
But like everything I've ever known
You'll disappear someday
So I'll spend my whole life hiding my heart away
And I can't spend my whole life hiding my heart away

{hiding my heart away by brandi carlisle}

mid century modern.

one of my very favorite design genres is mid century modern.

I love the clean lines, functional simplicity, unique shape, quality and sturdiness of product, and the ease of working the style seamlessly into any design scheme.

if you're not familiar with this style, wikipedia can help.

"Mid-Century modern is an architectural, interior and product design form that generally describes mid-20th century developments in modern design, architecture, and urban development from roughly 1933 to 1965. The term was coined in 1983 by Cara Greenberg for the title of her book, Mid-Century Modern: Furniture of the 1950s (Random House), celebrating the style which is now recognized by scholars and museums worldwide as a significant design movement.

Mid-century architecture was a further development of Frank Lloyd Wright's principles of organic architecture combined with many elements reflected in the International and Bauhaus movements... Mid-century modernism, however, was much more organic in form and less formal than the International Style. Scandinavian architects were very influential at this time, with a style characterized by clean simplicity and integration with nature. Like many of Wright's designs, Mid-Century architecture was frequently employed in residential structures with the goal of bringing modernism into America's post-war suburbs. This style emphasized creating structures with ample windows and open floor-plans with the intention of opening up interior spaces and bringing the outdoors in. Many Mid-century houses utilized then-groundbreaking post and beam architectural design that eliminated bulky support walls in favor of walls seemingly made of glass. Function was as important as form in Mid-Century designs, with an emphasis placed specifically on targeting the needs of the average American family. Examples of residential Mid-Century modern architecture are frequently referred to as the California Modern style."

{the second paragraph focuses more on the architecture solely, though the genre is also inclusive to the categories mentioned in the very first sentence of this excerpt.}

I follow a lot of design and decor bloggers, stores, brands, web sites, etc on social media, and recently came across a beautiful web site for a store in hartford, connecticut called pettit & parkins.

pettit & parkins' store is located in the design center in hartford, but you can browse some of their unique treasures on their web site here.

here are some of my favorite finds from their online store. 

aren't they all gorgeous? find these and more on their web site and in their store.

cleaning up on old habits.

I was out running earlier this week after work, cursing, literally, the whole way home as I wore the wrong socks and my shiny, fancy new nikes that I got for christmas rubbed chunks of skin off the back of my heels. blood was oozing from open wounds when I returned home. so bad that it makes simply walking extremely painful.

silly me. those shoes are good for nothing but looking pretty. (sorry mom and dad!)

yesterday evening I left work a little early so I could get in a really good workout last night. this slightly warmer weather and welcome sun has been encouraging me to get out and stretch my legs. I threw on workout clothes - black t-shirt, black pants - an unknowingly prophetic choice, I would soon find out. applied ointment and bandaids to aforementioned torn up heels, and laced up my old standards - the new balance athletic shoes that I've had since I was a junior at the university of georgia. you know the kind.

I did the greenway loop by my house, passing by all the cars speeding home. stopping briefly to gaze across the pond and saying hello to the geese. (side note - I am fairly certain there is an alligator, or maybe just a very large turtle living in that pond.)

my heels were feeling ok. I was feeling good. and then the rain came.

I should have anticipated it. it was touch and go weather all day, but when I left my house it was perfectly sunny. so I found myself just halfway through the run, with absolutely no shelter options, being drenched through by the spring rain.

glad I wore all black.

since there was no other option but to enjoy it. I did just that. I lifted my head up and let the water run down my face. I opened my mouth and drank the rain. I tilted my hands up and let the water gather in them.

it felt good to be out there and accept the sensation of being soaked by rain. which is something that we usually try so hard to avoid... dashing to our cars with bags over our heads. fumbling with umbrellas that do more harm than good. paying good money for expensive rain jackets to protect ourselves from getting the slightest bit wet. doing whatever we can to escape the small inconvenience of nature.

I spent a little time praying and asking God to use this rare moment in the rain to speak to me about cleansing.

I've been dealing with some junk over the past few weeks. cleaning out some junk, more like.

• I stopped taking a medicine because I want to clean out my system and learn to practice other methods for managing my health needs other than pills.
• I started recycling because I want to clean up the amount of waste I put onto the earth.
• I sold off a bunch of furniture and other things I don't need so I can clean up and simplify my home.
• I cleaned up my facebook friends list and trimmed off a bunch of people that I don't talk to, or don't even know.
• I started using all organic products so I can clean up the things I put in and on my body, to rid myself of chemicals, perfumes and other unhealthy things.
• I traded in a SUV for a hybrid car so I can contribute, even in a small way, to cleaning up the environment and lessening our dependence on oil.
• I stopped drinking coffee every morning so I can clean out my brain and learn to function without an addiction to caffeine driving my productivity.

these have all been small choices that I am learning how to stick to. because old habits are hard to break. but they must be broken in order for change to come. and I'm trying to be obedient to a time of cleaning out, preparation, and change that I feel I am being drawn into.

however, even though I know that change is good, and cleaning out is necessary, there are those old habits I have a hard time letting go of. I'm talking about emotional habits. emotional crutches that I use to get me through when I am hurting or being resistant to the newness ahead of me.

and so, this is my prayer - that I will have courage not avoid the process of airing out areas of my life that need a spring clean.

life lately.

I got a new car! a 2008 prius hybrid. love it.

did a little antiquing at harpeth antique mall. coveting this old typewriter.

my friend meesa had a rockin' birthday party in nashville. with crazy lights and cupcakes.

my occ girls came to visit!

francesca battistelli and dave barnes at the "hundred more years" cd release party at the belcourt.

my sweet iraqi family I am helping with through world relief arrived! this is saad, raya, and rasha.

union station driving by one afternoon.

took a work trip road trip to ohio and it snowed. that was unexpected.

and the best part of ohio was... ikea!

no, I take that back. the best part was getting to see my sweet friend bonnie and stay with her.

this was one of the work meetings in ohio - vision planning for american heritage girls.

but I came home to spring in nashville, and this flowery tree outside my door.

sweet baby raya! in her new carseat with her new stuffed bunny rabbit. I love her.

joren and I saw john mark mcmillan at 12th and porter. great show.

pinkberry opened right by my house... coconut, strawberry, and almond is my jam.

these are the people I spend my days with. work friends exploring the launch of our new web site.

still checking out new fun places. like holland house in east nash. good times.

matthew west show and I am second reception.

the weather is beautiful and I've been working out on the greenway by my house.

how I got my job.

some of the most frequent facebook messages I receive are from youth who have previously traveled on an overseas trip with me to deliver shoe boxes, asking how they can get a job like that.

for 7 years when I worked for operation christmas child, I was privileged to lead youth trips called "youth beyond borders" then later "SPY: samaritan's purse youth" trips. {SPY trip overseas. right... not my idea for the name}. because of the those trips and the coincidental timing with the growth of social networking through facebook, probably a third of my facebook friends are youth/young adults who I led on those trips. I love the ease of facebook for being able to keep up with them and see how they've grown and changed, and what choices they are making now as young adults - in ministry and their lives in general.

I get a facebook message at least once a month, and facebook chatted almost every time I am online by one of those kids, asking how they can get my job.

what did I do? what did I study? how can I get a job that will send me overseas to travel?

so I thought I would put together a brief overview on my recommendations for youth who are thinking about full time international ministry as their career path. some suggestions for school, career, and things to keep in mind.

I want to preface this by saying that I honestly did not have any idea that part of the nature of the job I was taking would be to travel overseas so often. I just wanted to do public relations. god had plans for my role that were a blessing and a privilege for me to get to do. the cherry on top of the already great job.

1. study something in university that gives you a tangible skill.

I went to a small christian college for my first 2 years of university, and when I transferred to the university of georgia as a junior - it was time to get serious about studying something that would direct my career path. I stumbled into the journalism school, and fell into public relations. literally. I didn't even know how to define public relations {and still struggle with that} in my first day of class. but it was god-ordained for me to be there. it was a area of study in which I was uniquely skilled, but didn't know it at the time. my advice to you on what to study in university is to find something that will give you an actual skill to be able to offer the world when you're done. let's be clear. what I mean is: history and sociology are fun to study - but what are you going to do with your degree when you're done? what good does your degree offer to the people you desire to serve?

if you want to work in international ministry - think about what skills are needed, and where those skills intersect with your passions - and start there. for instance, maybe you're good at math. people who can handle finances and are willing to do it in a third world setting rather than at merrill lynch are a huge asset to the international relief community. are you a good mechanic, good at building things, interested in medicine? there are many facets of "work" in international ministry. just be sure that when you graduate you're prepared to add value to the people you're serving and the ministry you seek to serve with by not wasting your time in school.

2. start preparing and serving now.

don't waste any time. if you think that god is calling you to serve others in international ministry, what are you engaging in now to confirm that calling and prepare yourself for the future? participating and leading local ministry efforts is a great place to start. as well as taking mission trips as often as you can {and as god leads} and to as many different places as you can. stoke the fire in your heart. go and see, even now, what it means to serve overseas, and use this time before your real career starts to discern if god is calling you there for life.

3. know that it's not as great as it looks.

living and serving others in a culture other than our own has it's thrilling qualities, but also is a huge sacrifice that you need to be sure you are ready to make. for myself personally, traveling overseas and domestically so often took a huge toll on my personal life. it was hard for me to settle into where I was living. I couldn't commit to things on a weekly basis, like a church... or a bible study even. I missed major events in my friends and families lives. I honestly didn't have a lot of friends. I spent my 20's+ single because I rarely met guys and those I did meet all lived in other countries! I was tired and jet-lagged and stressed more than I would have liked. I spent my life on the road, and my life was my work. it defined me. there were amazingly good and beautiful things that I got to do, and I would not trade it for one second. no regrets. but you need to consider the things that you'll be giving up, also. it's not as glamorous and wholly fulfilling as it might seem to be, if there are other things in your heart that you are prioritizing for your life.

4. start small but don't allow yourself to be pigeonholed.

you're going to have to start on the bottom of the "totem pole" in international ministry. it would be unwise and, in fact, dangerous to send a young person who lacks experience and skill into a cross-cultural situation in a leadership capacity. look for a job that is entry-level but on the path that you want to be on. there is something to be said about "getting your foot in the door". but I also want to try to warn you not to be pigeonholed into one role when you may have capacity to do much more. do your time, but if you're continuously overlooked for promotions, or to take on more challenges - take time to examine why. maybe you're just not good for the job, and they see that, but you don't. i.e. the problem may be you. but I have seen in my experience how organizations "pigeonhole" some people into roles when they really can do so much more. just be sure you're always proving yourself trustworthy and capable, able to excel at what you've already been given. not seeking praise, but seeking to serve well.

5. where to look.

there are a million and one international aid/relief/mission/ministry organizations. god is inspiring people every day to start new ones - maybe even you?! for the most job options, look to the really large organizations that work on multi-million dollar budgets. these organizations will have more entry level positions because they have more money to be able to specialize in more areas, and therefore creating more jobs. start there.

however, should you be passionate about or have connections with a smaller organization, they might be more open to allowing a younger, less-experienced person to have more responsibility. you'll be paid less and do more work - but it can be very rewarding also.

search the organization's web sites. when I was looking for my job, I looked at about 10 ministries web sites everyday to see what was newly posted. {consider subscribing to the RSS feed of their employment pages.} even if they don't have something that looks just right, just yet - many of them allow you to submit a general application to have on file. I would encourage you to do that so that when you see a good job fit come up, you can tell them you already have an app on file with them, and just update it to show them how you're specifically skilled for that open role. this is also just good practice to go through. filling out the applications gives you a sense of what they're looking for in employees, what language they use, etc. it's also good work for you to go through writing your brief statement of faith {often required for christian organizations} and fine tuning your resume.

I hope these tips help frame up some ideas and action steps for any young person thinking about entering full time overseas ministry for a career. my words and suggestions are by no means black and white - you've got to leave room for the holy spirit to move and speak to you when you're setting out your life to serve him and his children. as I said earlier, that job was not what I had intended to do. it was a gift. but as I served with samaritan's purse in that capacity I learned a few tips along the way that I hope help someone.

dream house.

came across this slideshow today on dwell.com {dwell magazine}. this is my pretty much my dream home. love the clean, modern design, recycled materials, natural light, white simplistic decor combined with solid mid-century pieces, and... well I love all of it.

find the whole slideshow here.

on relationships. if this even makes sense...

my heart is burdened this week by so many friends struggling with relationships.

in the past 4 days I have consulted on a new love, an old love, a comfortable love, and 2 breakups. I have sat through 3 crying sessions. one married, one single, one… me.

relationships are hard. they always will be because they were created to be a reflection and a tangible expression of The Relationship. the One we seek to be in relationship with. the Relationship that will be the only wholly satisfying andselfless love we can achieve.

and we just can’t get that here on earth. there will always be tension. there will always be lack. there will always be want and wondering.

that’s what keeps us humble and seeking the Lord. if we could get all we needed from the created, from other people - why would we seek after more? 

c.s. lewis surmises that every friendship, every love, every relationship we are blessed to enter into on this side of heaven starts because we see something in that other person that is something we are missing in our own being, in our own souls. we will keep seeking and searching in relationship to fill that lack for as long as we live.

and while we will have our times of joy and comfort, we just may never feel settled or complete.

however, by grace and through His love, God gives us good gifts in one other. gifts of people and presence that fulfill certain needs and that make living worth it.

loving makes life rich.

loving is not easy.

usually when a thing is valuable, it is not easily attained.

God created the world and everything in it. He created adam and looked and saw that it was not good for man to be alone. so he created a companion. and it was not just anyone. it was someone for adam to love.

I don’t know how theologically sound this is, but here’s my take: God saw lack, and want, in what he had originally created. so He made it better. man and woman both were created in the image of God. and they both reflect aspects of Himself. aspects that, when set apart from one another, are not entirely complete.

two are better than one.

there is simply no answer or resolution to the pain that relationships can bring to our lives. they will always bring some level of discomfort.

but they were designed in a certain way that makes me think - no, sure - that they are not only worth it, but worth sticking it out when its hard, and worth hoping for.

on embracing future good.

I am beginning to feel that we need a preliminary act of submission not only towards possible future afflictions but also towards possible future blessings. I know it sounds fantastic; but think it over. It seems to me that we often, almost sulkily, reject the good that God offers us because, at that moment, we expected some other good. Do you know what I mean? On every level of our life – in our religious experience, in our gastronomic, erotic, aesthetic and social experience – we are always harking back to some occasion which seemed to us to reach perfection, setting that up as a norm, and depreciating all other occasions by comparison. But these other occasions, I now suspect, are often full of their own new blessing, if only we would lay ourselves open to it. God shows us a new facet of His glory, and we refuse to look at it because we’re still looking for the old one. And of course we don’t get that…


It would be rash to say that there is any prayer which God never grants. But the strongest candidate is the prayer we might express in the single wordencore. And how should the Infinite repeat Himself? All space and time are too little for Him to utter Himself in them once.


And the joke, or tragedy, of it all is that these golden moments in the past, which are so tormenting if we erect them into a norm, are entirely nourishing, wholesome and enchanting if we are content to accept them for what they are, for memories. 


Properly bedded down in a past which we do not miserably try to conjure back, they will send up exquisite growths.

Leave the bulbs alone, and the new flowers will come up.


{"encore" by c.s. lewis from the book letters to malcolm}

feeling these words for a friend, today.

spending my time sleep walking

moving my mouth but not saying a thing

hoping the changes would take by working their way from the outside in

I was in love with an idea

preoccupied with how a life should appear

spending my time at the surface repairing the holes in the shiny veneer

there are so many ways to hide

there are so many ways not to feel

there are so many ways to deny what is real

{sara groves - just showed up}

crash.

sometimes when I get really frustrated I have a fantasy of taking a large stack of plates, like those in this photo, and crashing them one by one methodically to the ground in a million pieces into a large pile of scrap. its the only image that seems to bring resolution to my need to inflict destruction back onto something else that I feel has been inflicted on me.

kiss on the cheek.

I woke up early this morning in my snuggly guest room bed. because apparently my 29th year is when I can no longer sleep in much. or sleep much, period.

I’m in the guest room because my life lately is causing me fitful sleep. where I decide, in the midst of my sweet slumber, to curl my body into a tight ball, clench my arms together, and arch my back so that I wake up to extremely painful twisted back muscle pain. I think my super soft bed is not helping, so I am testing out other bed options. its good times. hot showers and 3 advil have become my morning love. 

but this post is not about my back pain {shew, I know, boring}.

I slowly pulled myself out of bed, cursing the pain, cursing the unnecessarily early 4 something hour, and cursing jillian michael’s 30 day shred workout. I had a busy morning ahead full of the small things that fuel life. bank run, drop off a car seat at the neighbors, drug store run, coffee run, and to top it all off, a day where I needed to look halfway decent for work which means actually drying my hair, ugh.

out of bed, into the cold house. I snapped a look back at my bed side table to make sure my cell phone was not lost in the duvet sea somewhere. {which would inevitably mean a hidden alarm blaring at me from the depths of my covers at some point in the morning.}

my bedside table in my guest room holds 3 photos. one is of my brother and sister in law’s beautiful wedding in athens, georgia, where we all went to school. one of my sister standing in a medieval plaza in siena, italy from our trip there together. and one of me and my dad standing outside the ancient hacienda la cienega on our trip to ecuador together.

I started to think about my dad and how much fun we had on that trip…

this past weekend was filled with heavy things. some friends visited town for a weekend away from their chaotic lives, to be loved on and fed by myself and another old friend. the details of how we all know each other and what we’ve been through together would fill up an entire blog post. we used to work together, and have not in about 5 years.

so much life happens in the passing of 5 years. and this weekend was a chance for us to get back on the same page with one another. to listen to the heart and try to sense what God is doing.

because sometimes this is all you need. to share what is weighing on your heart and mind audibly to someone else. to say “this is what I can’t stop praying for. this is my heart. this is the unknown. this is what I fear. this is what I want to hear from God about.” and let me tell you, it’s incredibly moving to hear someone pray words over you and on your behalf that you have been praying alone for a long time. for them to ask God for things for you out of love.

after such a beautiful, emotional, taxing, heart-wrenching weekend of prayer, I feel raw. I feel like we opened up some floodgates so that we could access the Lord, but those same open gates allow the lions to come prowling around us. and that is how the enemy likes to work - he comes sniffing like a prowling lion around what God is doing.

when my friends left I was contemplating the weekend and wondering why God wouldn’t just speak to us. why wouldn’t he show up in my living room, sit on the couch and hold the “activity pillow” {inside joke} with us and just tell us what we need to know. because every girl in the room only wanted, with all our hearts, what He wants for us.

we really do. that’s all we want. we want what He wants. because we are His daughters and we know He is in charge, and that He is good.

friends, I don’t have an answer for why. but I still trust that He is good.

so I thought about the picture of me and my dad. and was reminded recently of a time when my dad showed me clear love, and how it felt. I was home in atlanta visiting my family for a weekend over the holidays. we had just finished up our traditional breakfast together at o’charley’s before everyone drives home to their respective neighboring states, and doing a little shopping together. we were standing in an aisle at marshall’s and my sister asked me what I wanted for christmas. I was in one of those particularly ornery-about-life moods and I said “a boyfriend” {sad face}.

my dad was standing next to me and put his arm around me and kissed my cheek and said “I know baby, I want one for you too.”

at the moment I didn’t think much about it except for “aww, thanks dad”. but later, I realized that the feeling of that small moment is all I want and need from God sometimes. I just want him to touch me, to look me in the eyes, to let me know He is present, and to say to my request “I know. I want you to be happy too.”

although we can’t have everything we want, at least acknowledging it brings some comfort. to have that tangible expression of “I am for you. I know what your heart wants.” would help me so much, I think.

I don’t get why God doesn’t do that for his girls. I’m going to have to ask Him someday.

but this, I believe, is the closest we can get to His kiss on the cheek while on earth.

“therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. for life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. consider the ravens: they do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. and how much more valuable are you than birds! who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life? since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?

consider how the wild flowers grow. they do not labor or spin. yet I tell you, not even solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. if that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you - you of little faith! and do not set your heart on what you will eat or drink; do not worry about it. for the pagan world runs after all such things, and your father knows that you need them. but seek His kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well.

do not be afraid, little flock, for your father has been pleased to give you the kingdom.”

{luke 12.22-32}

instead of a kiss on the cheek, I’m going to consider how the wild flowers grow today. because I am His daughter, created in His image. He sees me, and cares for me. I know, even when I have a hard time seeing it.

maybe you aren't ready.

“what no eye has seen, what no ear has heard, and what no human mind has conceived” — the things God has prepared for those who love him.” {1 corinthians 2.9}

as 2011 started I began to pray a lot about what this year held for me.

I knew it was going to be a big one. I hoped it would be a magical one.

my first full year in nashville. my 30th birthday. my first trip to africa. these are all things that 2011 holds, and much more.

I asked God to speak to me about the year and what to expect. to give me a direction and a plan that was on course with his expectations and his desires.

he gave me a word - prepare.

and along with that, he dropped me some hints about what to prepare for.

learn to cook better. brush up on my spanish. get a handle on my finances. write more.

random things eh? I don’t know exactly what I am preparing for, but I am joyfully making ready some areas of my life that I had maybe let fall short before.

I was scanning twitter one morning and came across a blog post from pastor steven furtick from elevation church in charlotte, nc.

now, I will confess that I am not a huge fan of his personality. I am sure he is an influential and dynamic pastor, but I’m usually put off by his lack of humility when it comes to the over-the-top amazingness of his own church. I want to say that not to knock him, but just to frame up that simply because I like one thing he wrote doesn’t mean I like them all. ok, moving on.

this post is titled “my advice for single people”. sounded relevant to me. so I clicked on it. read it here.

his blog post basically says that maybe you are single because you are the one not ready. you should work on you. you should prepare.

“Stop looking for the person of your dreams and start becoming someone another person is dreaming about. Make someone else’s dreams become a reality.

A lot of single people make lists of what they want in the person they’re looking for. That’s fine. Just make sure that if the person you’re looking for had the same list, they’d find you.”

if I have learned one small thing in my journey of relationships, it’s that in order to be fully you, things need to be crafted within you that only trial and observation can create. there is no substitute for those things. and both of them take time.

those things may be compassion, patience, grace, how to withstand grief - heavy things that often come through trials.

or perhaps - how to cook, how to manage your finances, how to maintain a clean and well-ordered home - things that come through observation.

so it comes down to this: maybe you aren’t ready. give it the time it needs. 

***

“and like I can’t force the sun to rise or hasten summer’s start,
neither should I rush my way into your heart”

{brooke fraser: love is waiting}